


Soap Opera

by DumbassWhoWritesAt3AM



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (But enderman style), Courtroom Drama, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Divorce, Dream and Fundy get Divorced, Eventual Fluff, Floris | Fundy-centric, Homelessness, I Am Sorry, Its a custody battle, L'Manberg | L'Manburg on Dream Team SMP (Video Blogging RPF), Light Angst, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Prison, Ranboo-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Soap Opera, They/Them Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), dadbur, tics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29790789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DumbassWhoWritesAt3AM/pseuds/DumbassWhoWritesAt3AM
Summary: After an informative meeting with Dream, Ranboo looks for help from a certain fox.(PLEASE READ CHAPTER NOTES BEFORE READING)
Relationships: (but not yet), Clay | Dream & Floris | Fundy, Clay | Dream & Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Floris | Fundy & Ranboo, Past Clay | Dream/Floris | Fundy - Relationship, Wilbur Soot/Everyone
Comments: 17
Kudos: 127





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lilhappy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilhappy/gifts).



> Okay. Don't Expect ANYTHING From This Fic. 
> 
> It Will Rapidly Decline In Quality The More Chapters Get Posted. 
> 
> It Was Made At First As A Serious Idea, Then I Killed It. 
> 
> It Is Straight Up Crack. 
> 
> Don't Get Attached. 
> 
> Don't Say I Didn't Warn You. 
> 
> I Am Sorry, Yona.

Thunder stormed outside the building. Fundy lay in his house, unmoving, trying to sleep. Too much stuff happened today and too much stuff would happen tomorrow. Apparently, Tommy, whom he had known for his entire life, had burnt down the Community House. After a large confrontation, it had been revealed that Technoblade, Philza, and Dream would blow up the rest of the country as revenge. Thankfully, Tommy expressed his dislike of the plan. However, Fundy was still mad at him for siding with the psycho at first. All Fundy wanted to do right now was sleep and forget that L’Manberg would be blown to pieces the next day. 

There was a knock at the door. The fox had a few ideas on who it could be, most likely the boy who had been shunned by everyone just that morning. _Now it’s my turn to turn you away,_ he thought

Too lazy to turn the lights on, he stumbled towards the door. “Hello?” He yawned, jaws gaping.

“Hey.”

Fundy was surprised, to say the least. In front of him _was_ a child with no business being up this late, but this wasn’t Tommy. The split-faced boy from the Butcher Army was waiting outside the door hiding under a… dirt block?

“You better not bring that inside,” he said, still waking up. 

“Oh no, I’ll leave it out here, just trying to hide from the rain.” The half enderman hesitated. “Uh, may I come in?”

Fundy looked back at the house, which was even more of a wreck than usual. “It’s a bit messy, but sure.” He stepped to the side.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Ranboo stammered out. He placed the dirt block carefully down, and almost fell inside. 

“You seem hyper.” It was amazing how one kid could have so much energy at this hour. 

“Oh, yeah.” Ranboo sat on the couch after moving the somehow closet-sized pile of clothes off it. He brought his knees to his chest. The fox sat on a chair opposite the other. 

“Did you want to talk, or did you just need a place to crash?”

“No, uh, I mean, yes, yeah.”

The house hung in silence, the sound of rain on the room pinging down. 

“We can talk tomorrow, if you want.” In all honesty, Fundy just wanted to go back to bed. 

“Were you married to Dream?”

This time the silence was strained with 1) regret of bringing the topic up and 2) general surprise. 

“Uh, yeah.” _Technically we’re still legally married,_ he left out. They had gone through all of the paperwork before the wedding, and it hadn’t been voided yet. 

“Was he… was he nice? To you? Everyone?” 

“Where is this conversation going?”

The strung-taught sound of his voice finally snapped. “After the whole waterfall thing, we had a talk and we talked about a... lot of stuff and I didn’t trust him at first, but then he said that he…”

Out of breath, the boy inhaled. “He said he was my dad, and now I don’t know if that’s true or not ‘cause of my memory, and-”

_“What?”_

“What?”

“He’s your DAD?”

“That’s the problem. I’m unsure. He said that the white half of me was half… whatever he was.” under his breath he muttered, “Dreamon? I guess?”

Fundy was fully awake now. Instead of screaming, crying, or laughing, he put on his most bland tone and said “That's pretty big news.”

“Yeah.” Ranboo pulled his legs up to his chest again. “Can you talk to him about it? I don’t really know anyone else that close to him. Tommy and Tubbo both hate his guts and Technoblade too. I would talk to him but he’s about to… you know.”

“I…” 

God, he hadn’t spoken to Dream alone since… the wedding. Ran off with the bridesmaid, that manwhore. But looking at Ranboo, he realized just how bad the situation was. 

“I’ll try speaking to Dream tomorrow. Maybe before or after this whole ‘doomsday’ thing blows over.” 

“Or blows up.” 

Once again, the room had fallen silent. The rain had left. 

“It stopped raining, I guess I should go.” Ranboo leapt off the couch. 

“No, you’re staying right here. Let me just clear off the couch.” Fundy moved the pile of stuff onto the chair he was sitting on. “I got some blankets, too. No extra bed though, sorry.”

“Oh.” The boy seemed hesitant to sit down again. “Thank you then. Really, this means a lot.”

“It’s no trouble at all. Make yourself comfortable while I get you a blanket. It’s late.”

Before Fundy got back with one, though, the half ender boy had passed out (In Ranboo’s defense, Fundy took a really long time to find one). Gangly limbs had knocked over the pile of clothes. 

Tossing the blanket onto him, Fundy went to his room. It was going to be a long, hard day tomorrow. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did i post this because I was bored in class? yes. It's probably very scuffed. I do not care.

Explosions riddled the land, leaving ginormous craters in its wake. Everything that every L’Manbergian had worked so hard for, vanished.

After his hard work was finished, Dream sat overhead on his homemade framework above the demolished country. Technoblade had gone home lonely, and Philza was being chewed out by his dead son. Nikki was burning down a tree, for some reason. Everything was in ruins, and people were becoming more and more desperate. It was  _ exactly _ what Dream planned to happen. 

“Dream.”

He turned around. Standing behind him was the first and last people he wanted to see.

“Fundy,” he referred to the fox, standing in front of the other. “Did you come here to drop off Ranboo? I didn’t know he needed a chaperone.”

The enderman cowered under Fundy, making some kind of inhuman growl in his throat. Fundy glanced back at him, and he stopped himself. “I’m not dropping the kid off. What is this, a daycare?”

“I mean, he’s here to pay me a visit, right? Just the two of us. You don’t need to stay around. ” Under his mask, Dream smiled. 

“He’s… That’s not why we’re here. Ranboo told me about your conversation yesterday.”

Once again, Dream's mask was a saving grace as his eyes widened in surprise. Voice still steady, he replied “Oh really?”

“You don’t deserve to be his father.”

“You’re right. I don’t.” He sighed dramatically, turning back onto the wreckage. “I mean, after all, I’m just a destructive maniac that feeds off the suffering of others. I’m a  _ terrible _ role model for this young boy.”

He stood up finally. He towered over both of them, Ranboo having crouched down to Fundy’s height in fear. Walking past them, he said, “It seems to run in the family, doesn’t it boys?”

_ Fallen walls, burning flags, all the things he regretted most.  _

_ Blown out buildings, disintegrating memory, all the things he hated most.  _

_ Having everyone subdued, a controlling thrill, all the things he thought was better to embrace.  _

“Hey, take a page from your father and embrace the chaos.” Tilting up his mask, Dream flashed a fanged smile. “I know how much you want to. Even if you deny it with that ‘memory issue’ deal of yours.”

“He’s not… what are you talking about?”

The fox turned back to see Ranboo’s hand clutching his jaw. His eyes bored into his fathers. 

“He didn’t tell? Let’s just say that he caused as much destruction as you or me have.” Dream glared above both of them and laughed. “Come on, Ranboo. I’ll show you how to follow in your father's footsteps.”

A light turned on in the fox’s brain and eyes. “What if I was his father?”

He scoffed. “You aren’t, though.”

“Not physically.” he said, a smile forming. “But legally? We’re still married. He’s just as much of my son as he is yours.”

“...your point?”

“If we get a divorce, and I win custody, then Ranboo doesn’t have to see you ever again. I’ll make sure of it!”

A hand went up to Dream's chin. “So you say. But why would you ever want to get divorced?” 

“Is that a joke?” he spat “For one, you left me at the altar for that  _ side piece _ of yours. Not to mention that you had a son that you, one, never mentioned to ANYONE, and two, treated the kid terribly.” Oh, Fundy could  _ smell _ the fear coming from his fiancé. “I don’t know what you said to him, but I’m sure it's all lies. Not to mention that YOU BLEW UP A COUNTRY NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES AGO!”

He didn't see the ender boy clasping his ears behind him. 

“But Fundy, ” Dream begged, reaching for the other’s shoulder “I need you.” 

“But do you love me?” he said as he threw Dream's arm off of him. “I.. I still love you. But you don't. And I've accepted that.” He backed away, eyes still locked on the expressionless mask. “I’ll help Ranboo accept that, too. You shouldn't even be  _ near _ him.”

“Well, he obviously thought so.” 

Fundy broke from the others fake gaze. He looked around. Ranboo had disappeared, seemingly into thin air. 

“I’ll stay away from you two, if you insist.” Dream pulled out some ender pearls. “I’ll make like a tree.” Chucking the pearl into the sky like a baseball, he turned, saluted, and jumped off the bars they were standing on. 

He didn’t hit the ground. 

Fundy yelled to no one there. “See you in court, you son of a bitch!”

Then he turned to the pressing matter at hand. Even with his birds-eye view, he didn't see the boy who had just been behind him _anywhere_. 

_ Where the hell did he go?  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up we get some Ranboo angst, so be prepared.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOP THAT TOOK A BIT
> 
> ENJOY

The boy sat on the ground of the panic room, slouched over. He finally took out his book, titled “DO NOT READ”.

**_Dream says that you burnt down the community house_ **

**_Dream says that he is your father_ **

Ranboo crossed out the ‘says that’ in both of the sentences. After today, they were confirmed. The growls made his way up his throat, and he didn’t bother to fight them this time. He wanted the sounds to suffocate him, or to at least drown out his other half. 

_You're even more of a demon now, aren’t you?_ The familiar voice played in his head. 

He didn't want to go back and face Fundy yet. He _abandoned_ the man in front of his ex husband. At least, he thought he did. His memory was clouded, more than usual. He remembered nothing about making his way to the panic room, and apparently he didn't have time to fill out his short term memory book before leaving. It was odd that he couldn't remember _anything_ , though, not even bits and pieces. It was almost like he had teleported…

“No. Why would I involuntarily teleport?” He said aloud. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

He looked back through the book. 

**_Visited Fundy. He will help with the Dream problem._ **

**_Spent the night at Fundy’s house._ **

**_L’Manberg was blown up by Philza Technoblade and Dream_ **

The former two he remembered well. Fundy’s house was a complete wreck (how could one person make such a mess?) and he had spent the night on his couch. He also remembered waking up to explosions in the distance. That just confirmed that the country had been destroyed. 

_Destroyed._

His mouth snapped open. An involuntary screech came out. Quickly he grabbed his jaw. 

“Nope. It’s okay. You're fine. It's all good.” he said to himself. 

He stayed in the panic room until the growls stopped on their own. 

“You see? You’re perfectly fine”

 _Perfectly fine,_ mocked the voice. Ranboo ignored it. 

He crawled out of the room and started towards his house. He still needed to fix his cats lunch (or dinner, seeing as the sun had begun to set). 

“Alright, you guys, Grub Time,” He said, tearing up some fish to give to Enderpearl and Enderchest. “Sorry for not coming home last night. I got… busy. You must be starving.”

The cats did their usual routine of getting up, gnawing on the fish, and sitting down again, satisfied. 

“Did you get spooked by the explosions?” He said to them. “They woke me right up!”

The cats didn’t respond. 

“Wow. I’m… wow.”

 _You’re lonely?_ His father's voice whispered into his ear. _That could be solved if you had just stayed with Dream today._

“No, that… I wasn’t about to go with you.” He looked around to make sure the voice had no source, and was relieved when it was confirmed. At this point, the alternative was scarier. 

_And why not? Who else would you go with? Technoblade and Philza are just as crazy as Dream is. Tommy’s been cast out twelve times over. Tubbo probably doesn't want to see anyone, especially_ your _destructive ass. You’re nothing but a pimply little enderbitch._

“Where the f- what?”

Ranboo needed to get out of his own head, but he would settle for leaving the house. The voice prattled on, saying nonsensical stuff like _LManburg? More like L’ManbOOM AMIRITE_ and _NoW ThE IntERstAtE iS PaVeD in MemOrIEs._

Unconsciously, he walked in the direction of Fundy’s house. 

“Ranboo? Ranboo!”

“g̸̖̱̏̄̓̚͜h̵̗̺͔̩͊̑h̶̛̞̜h̵̳͓̬͓̞͒̇ḫ̵̢͗h̸̦̓̾̕͝ḥ̸̛̩͋” he growled, Perry-the-platypus style, at the yelling. A quick hit to the throat and he stopped. “Fundy?”

 _WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!_ wheezed the voice in his head. 

“Dude! I’ve been looking all over for you! Where did you run off to?” he tried not to sound worried, but failed. 

‘Uh. I don’t know.” he said, ignoring the grating laughter in his head. “Just kinda… left.”

Fundy started to argue, but then thought better of it. “Just tell me next time, okay?”

“I’ll try.” In all honesty, Ranboo didn’t know what to do about it. He’ll figure it out later, he decided. "Can you fill me in on what happened?"

“Okay. Did you remember hearing about the whole ‘I’m gonna divorce you’ thing?”

“Uh… wait you guys aren’t divorced yet?” 

Fundy gritted his teeth. “ _Technically_ , no. There was barely a way for us to legally get married, let alone get divorced. The whole situation is complicated.” He started walking the other direction, and Ranboo followed. “But if my knowledge of law is correct, I can make sure you never have to see that bastard ever again.”

The laughter in Ranboo’s head stopped suddenly, replaced by an eerie silence he wasn’t used to. “Really?” 

“Hell yeah!” He put his hand up. They high fived as they walked up to Fundy’s house. 

“What do you want for dinner?” 

“Wh.. oh!” He was being invited over. “Whatever, I’m not picky.”

“Okay, cool.” 

They walked into the house. Fundy took off his jacket and went to wash his hands. Ranboo stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. After he was done, the fox walked over to the refrigerator. 

Only after Fundy opened it did Ranboo realize it wasn’t a fridge - It was a freezer, filled to the brim with frozen meat. 

“Okay, I got a lot of different stuff,” said Fundy. “Are you sure there’s no preference?”

“Do you have fish?” Ranboo liked snacking on whatever he gave his cats, and had developed a taste for it. 

“No.” Fundy looked at him like he was crazy. 

“Oh.” he thought for a moment. “In that case I’ll have some lamb.”

Fundy grabbed a slab of what looked like beef and a lambchop out of the freezer. He put both on a plate and put it in the microwave. After a minute and some small talk, he took it out and almost threw it onto the table. 

“Where do you keep your forks?”

Fundy snached up his piece with his paws and started tearing at it. “Uh, do-n ha-e a-e” he said with his mouth full. 

“Oh.” Ranboo stared at his definitely not cooked through share of dinner. “You know what, I just remembered that I ate when I teleported home.”

“Doe’ ta’ mea’ I ca’ ha- wait TEEPORTED?” Fundy spit out half of his steak yelling this. 

“G̸̖̏̄̓̚gh̵̗̺͔̩͊̑h̶̛̞̜h̵̳͓̬͓̞͒̇ḫ̵̢͗, Yup! At least I think so!” He recovered quickly. “I need to write that down!”

He took the time to pull out his notebook and jotted it down while Fundy ate his lamb. 

_**Teleported away when Fundy and Dream talked.** _

After some thought, he added " _ **Involuntarily**_ " at the end. 

“You can crash on the couch again if you’d like,” Fundy said after he was finished. “I honestly don’t mind it.”

“Actually-” Ranboo was caught off guard by that. He didn’t expect that he could stay again. But everything was a lot… calmer with Fundy. Since he’d met up with the fox, the voice had shut up. And it's not like anyone was expecting him home (okay, maybe his cats, but they’d just been fed).

“That would be great, thanks.”

“Cool. I’ll be in my room. Holler if someone blows up the country again.” With that he walked off. 

Ranboo went to the couch. It was in the same state of disarray that he’d woken up to that morning. But that didn't bother him. His mind felt clearer than ever. He went to sleep, for once, in silence. 


	4. Chapter 4

“Heyyyy, Eret!” Fundy waltzed right into the pride castle. The wood floors and bare stone walls made the place seemed colder than it was. 

“What do you want?” They deadpanned. 

“How’s the whole ‘king’ thing going?”

“Kinda sucks, since part of the land I ruled over blew up.” They tapped their fingers on their knees. Sprawled out on their throne, they asked “Why? Still up for being a prince?”

“How similar is divorce court to a royal court?”

Eret was confused, but recovered quickly. “Those two words have no relation to each other, at all. And as you can see,” they gestured around the empty castle “No one’s visited my court in a while. People don’t exactly  _ like _ me.” They turned in their throne, sitting up straight. 

“EXACTLY!” Fundy realized what he had said. “I mean, no, no no, people like you. You have a very… interesting reputation.”

“Yes, I know.”

“You’re kind of a wild card. For one, you are the  _ ruler _ of this land, and I think you can make laws as you wish.” They nodded, and Fundy started pacing. “Back to my earlier point, you have almost no long standing relations with  _ anyone _ , really. It seems fair to say that you wouldn’t favor anyone in a certain situation.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Someone like you, who is basically a fencesitter and setter in this whole situation, would be a  _ perfect _ judge. Others would listen to you, and you’d be a fair voice.”

“And why would I be a judge? I thought you still lik-” 

“The situation has... changed a bit.” He cut them off. 

“How so? You finally got over him?”

Fundy ignored that. Instead, he explained what Ranboo had told him the other night, and his plan to make sure the kid never had to even  _ talk _ to Dream ever again. At the end, he added “You despise Dream as much as the rest of us. Why not let us get this small victory?”

“I thought I was supposed to be the impartial judge? I have no concept of this ‘hate’ you speak of.” They said humorously. 

“Well, who deserves to win, then? Some unstable bastard that has no business even being around  _ any _ child, or me, who just wants to do the right thing?”

Eret paused, then laughed. “Good point. You’d be an excellent lawyer, you know.”

“Good thing I’ll be my own during the trial.”

Their eyebrows raised. “You’re being your own lawyer?”

“Yeah. What of it?”

“Nothing, I just thought… that you weren’t allowed to defend yourself in court, legally. That’s all.”

“Well, that’s not gonna stop me!” He took a bow. “I bid thee farewell, your majesty. I got other matters to attend to.”

“You don’t have to talk to me like that.”

“It’s fun though. Bye!” Fundy waved as he walked out the door, leaving Eret alone. 

_ His own lawyer… _

Eret remembered the date, the wedding, and the aftermath. 

_ “What does he have that I don’t? Why.. why?” Fundy cried into their shoulder, still wearing his suit. They were in the bathroom of the reception hall. Most everyone else had left when the groom split, but there were a few straddlers outside.  _

_ ‘I’m so sorry.” Eret comforted him.  _

_ “I… why can’t he just… why doesn’t…” Another sob erupted from his mouth. “I loved him, Eret. I still do. Why did he have to do this?” _

Needless to say, Fundy was heartbroken at the whole ordeal. He might despise Dream now, but what would happen if his emotions got the best of him during the trial? 

Eret wasn't going to let that happen. 

~~~

“Hey Dream.” Punz walked into the house and turned on the lights. 

Dream was on the floor face down. With his mask still on, it looked like he fell asleep eating lunch. “What is it?” He yawned. 

“Court summons. From Fundy. Next week.” Punz dropped off the papers onto his butt. “Did you just fall asleep on the floor? With your  _ mask _ on? How does that not hurt?”

“Huh?” Dream flipped over and picked up the papers. It turns out Fundy  _ was _ really taking his ass to court. “Oh. Guess he’s really going through with this.. Wait, did you go through my mail?”

“ _ Our  _ mail. It came in  _ my  _ mailbox for  _ you. _ ” Punz said exasperated. “Listen I know the community house got blown up, and you need some time to buffer, but can you  _ please _ try to find your own place soon? I’m sick of you leaving all of your shit around.”

“I’m still looking! If you haven't noticed, we don’t exactly have the most booming house market. Besides,” Dream got up off the floor. “I pay rent, don’t I?”

“You gave me $50 for some assassination order that never took off. That isn’t  _ rent _ .”

“You know what? I don’t need to pay rent. I OWN THIS LAND!” He swung open the door. “I’m too busy for this bullshit. Write Fundy back and tell him I’m coming with the BEST lawyer in town!”

“What, am I your secretary now, too?” 

There was no response. Dream had pearled away. 

Dream had been doing this kind of stuff  _ too _ often, according to Punz. Anytime one little thing didn’t go his way he would yell and storm out. He knew that Dream was a control freak (he’d been confided the location of “The Vault” so he could guard it. In actuality, he hadn’t needed to because no one else knew of it) but that hasn't affected Punz until he became his roommate. 

He also knew that everyone else was fed up with the masked freak, too

“Oh I’ll write you something,” he said. 

He walked over to the desk, and pulled out a quill and paper. In drippy handwriting, he wrote - 

_ Dear fellow vandals and tax evaders, _

_ On -  _ He glanced at the calendar. A date, circled and with a sticky note beside it reading “Show Tommy the vault” caught Punz’s eye -  _ January 20th, I’m holding an event. I will lead a group that will storm through Dream’s  _ _ secret _ _ vault, which only a select few know of. There are many personal items to be collected in there, including but not limited to pets, armour, and tools. Meet at my house the morning of to get armor and weapons, discuss battle and lunch plans, and to insult the pissbaby we all know and hate. Coordinates to my house are xx, xx, -xxx. I will give the location of the vault the day of.  _

_ I hope you take me up on this offer, and see you there.  _

_ Punz _

_ Professional Mercenary _

_ Dream’s landlord _

Well, it was vague, but he’d spread word around orally, too. These were just invitations. Reaching under the desk, he grabbed a stack of copy paper, and from a chest besides it he took out some envelopes. 

This was going to take a while, but hopefully he could get them done before Dream cooled off. 

**Author's Note:**

> Is there a schedule to this soap opera? No.


End file.
